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| So I'm trying to drink my milk before it goes bad. Today is the last day. I've gone through 2 boxes of cereal trying to use it up and have one serving left! I want to eat it but I'm not hungry and I know it'll just be emotional eating. I'm in that weird mood again. I was hyper last night and was doing stuff, I thought I was back in my groove but I woke up icky again. I think it might be me being sick. I don't want to do anything, am missing on my third ptk meeting, and just want to lay in bed all day sleeping. That's not me! wth there's life to go experience and things to do but I don't want to leave my warm blankets. I want to take a bath but don't feel like drawing one and that takes just a simple twist of a knob. I want to write but don't feel like opening my book though I know it'd be a good thing to do right now.
I miss him. I want to feel he caress on my back, his lips on my cheek, his eyes bearing into mine. I close my eyes and dream and am happy cause I'm with him. Maybe that's why I want to stay in bed. I don't really know. That could be a good exaggeration. I'm making excuses for my laziness and it's annoying me. I don't know why I'm being such a mopey bum. I've been listening to pandora my acoustic station with sappy romance songs and wish he was here to serenade me again. I love when he sings. He may not be the best singer but its wonderful when he sings. It's like he's completely open for me and it's pure and wonderful and just a nice feeling to have someone be so open and honest with you like that. It's odd though, I love him I know it but something feels a little off. I'm hoping it's just the distance or the typical doubt but I don't really know. Maybe it's the milk.
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| ak! It's been a while... like an old friend xanga is still here to listen to my rants and keep me connected to the hand full of people I adore after so many years. A whole crap ton of stuff has happened. On spring break I went to Baltimore to visit my new boyfriend and family. It was amazingly well. My mom and sister were totally against it but I went anyways and don't regret it at all. I love this man a lot and think he'll be good for me. He makes me better and not in a forcing way just in a way that I want to be a better person. So monday i flew up and he picked me up from the air port and cooked me dinner with stuff I've never had before like french onion soup, mushroom muscato, brussel sprouts and the best peppercorn sirloin I've ever had. Then almond gelato he made from scratch with a recipe he got from italy when he studied over there. How freaking cool is that? Tuesday I got to hang out with Billy and Kathy my great cousins that are the coolest older people ever and they approved of Ben so its a good start. It helped that Billy has the complete works of Stephen King and that is Ben's number one favorite author and then we all jammed, Billy on guitar, Ben on bass and me teaching Kathy on keyboard. It was awesome. Then wednesday he took me to DC which was a dream come true bc my year didn't get to go because of 9/11 and I've always wanted to go and now I have! It was so much fun and so cool to walk where important stuff has happened. Very awesome! then on our way home he took me to a sushi restaurant and got me to try stuff I never thought I would like eel and tuna rolls and salmon rolls and wasabi tempura yeh .. and I survived! woot! Then went with him to bible study which is really the 5 biggest nerds getting together to discuss a part of the bible and then play guitar hero or the latest rpg... I kicked their butt at rock band! well except for ben who pwnd us all on expert... damn hes got good hands. then thursday I went back home.
I got my hair cut, don't like it... but it'll grow. I needed to get the end cut anyways because of how dead they were. I'm not going to dye it anymore dang it and let grow long and thick and curly and pretty...>.< oh the humidity! My mom is finally getting a divorce... and it actually makes me sad. Its like setting in stone the fact that there will officially be no chance what so ever of anymore happy family memories like camping or fishing or bowling.. I'll miss those. but my mom deserves to be happy and I'm happy for her freedom. I guess I have to make my own happy family memories... I hope Bens the guy. I have a great feeling about this one. I'm not going to give up after 6 months like I always do dammit! I'm determined not to back out when things get hard.
So I let go of James and was harsh about it and apparently broke his heart which I didn't know was possible because from my interaction with him i was under the impression that he didn't have one but apparently it was obvious he loved me.... and I was supposed to know this how? ... when he never said it... right... too little too late pal.
My friend Sher had her baby! Today on st pattys! I can't give too much details but it's healthy and she got what she dreamed of so if you know her you'll know what I mean. I'm so happy for her! She's been through a lot and deserves her dreams to come through as well.
I've lost motivation currently. I think of things I should do but instead of doing them I sleep, partially bc I'm sick from the pollen and coughing up a lung but I have plans and ideas but I'm not taking action towards them like I should and I'm frustrating myself with this and I have no one to blame but myself which is just as annoying. I'm in an odd melancholy rut and can't wait to get out of it.
I lost 40 lbs! and finally fit into a size 12 from a size 18... it feels nice but my boobs shrunk lol everyone asks what I'm doing and all i can say is walking to the bus and living poor off of crackers ramen and cereal. I don't know what else to tell them. I'm thinking positive I'm making sure I smile enough and enjoy life and tell the ones I love I love them and burying some hatred I've been bearing too long.
Ben is a great man and I really hope this works. I know I said that already. He's two months younger than me and I worry his maturity level will be difficult but I laugh at this because I'm pretty sure I'm close to the same level because I know I can be pretty petty. He's highly emotion just like me and talk a lot just like me and our conversations go on for hours still after talking since october. He sings me german lullabies. We'll see how this works. I like the way he makes me feel. He's gotten be to quick drinking, read more books again, and we've taken an oath of celibacy until marriage because we both agreed we didn't like what we've done in the past and kinda wish we could return to our old ways though I know you only have one shot, but we have a great support system together we will flourish. I love him.
Now back to sleep. I'm drugged up on allergy meds and ramen... eh yay...
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| So I've been away from here for a while. Lifes gotten a little ahead of me. Relay is in Crunch time... phi theta kappa has been going well. work is stressful. and I recently lost a good friend and didnt even find out until the day of her funeral. mrs spitznogle was the first person to get me into relay for life and so relay has gotten a little harder for me. I used to buy luminarias in honor of her and now i have to get one in memory... and that hurts. ive been crying all week, I found out tuesday, and now one of my best friends here moved away without saying goodbye. just texted me today to say shes never returning to florida. and ms stephanie says she wont last the year.. i pray she does... ms lee is fading... and I can't handle this loss... uncle randy, chris, jason, justin, heather, tiffany... i have a large enough pack of gaurdian angels i don't need anymore thanks id like them to stay here! anywho.. .who ever is reading this, chi, courtney, jesse, shane... I love you all and am happy to have you in my life! carpe diem like you mean it!
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| So I'm trying to work on my new years resolution which is to not give up on my relationship with my bf bc i love him but I dont love the way he treats me. I dont really know what I want. But I think I want more attention that he's giving. I want him to do things with me that I love just cause he loves me, to steal a line from the move the break up. Eh I don't know... I know I have commitment issues, man issues, james' issues, all that stuff. I'm trying. I love him and I just want him to appreciate me. Maybe ask every now and then, how was your day.. or say I miss you... something to let me know he gives a shit. But I'll figure it out... maybe. I dont know..
*sigh* so schools going great! I'm loving it. Economy is scaring me. I'm worried we're entering a depression. Its really truly scaring. I can feel we're on the brink of something big and it may not be good. I'm going to join phi theta kappa. its an academic honor society. I never thought I'd join a greek group but here I am... going to orientation tomorrow. We'll see how it goes... Wish me luck! xoxo
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